PLACES WE GO
when things are uncertain or too much
Stress
We feel stressed when we evaluate environmental demand as beyond our ability to cope successfully. This includes elements of unpredictability, uncontrollability, and feeling overloaded.
Overhelm
Overwhelmed means an extreme level of stress, an emotional and/or cognitive intensity to the point of feeling unable to function.
Anxiety
The American Psychological Association defines anxiety as “an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts and physical changes like increased blood pressure.”
Vulnerability
Vulnerability is the emotion that we experience during times of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.
Worry
We experience worry when we have a chain of negative thoughts about bad things that might happen in the future.
Avoidance
Avoidance is not showing up and often spending a lot of energy zigzagging around and away from that thing that already feels like it’s consuming us.
Dread
Dread occurs frequently in response to high-probability negative events; its magnitude increases as the dreaded event draws nearer.
Fear
Fear is a negative, short-lasting, high-alert emotion in response to a perceived threat, and, like anxiety, it can be measured as a state or trait.
Excitement
Excitement is described as an energized state of enthusiasm leading up to or during an enjoyable activity.
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when we compare
Comparison
Comparison is the crush of conformity from one side and competition from the other—it’s trying to simultaneously fit in and stand out.
Reverence
Reverence, which is sometimes called adoration, worship, or veneration, is a deeper form of admiration or respect and is often combined with a sense of meaningful connection with something greater than ourselves.
Admiration
We feel admiration when someone’s abilities, accomplishments, or character inspires us, or when we see something else that inspires us, like art or nature.
Freudenfreude
Freudenfreude is the opposite of schadenfreude—it’s the enjoyment of another’s success. It’s also a subset of empathy.
Envy
Envy occurs when we want something that another person has.
Jealousy
Jealousy is when we fear losing a relationship or a valued part of a relationship that we already have.
Schadenfreude
The german word “schadenfreude” means pleasure or joy derived from someone else’s suffering or misfortune.
Resentment
Resentment is the feeling of frustration, judgment, anger, “better than,” and/or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It’s an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can’t control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react.
PLACES WE GO
things don’t go as planned
Boredom
Boredom is the uncomfortable state of wanting to engage in satisfying activity, but being unable to do it.
Disappointment
Disappointment is unmet expectations. The more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment.
Regret
Both disappointment and regret arise when an outcome was not what
we wanted, counted on, or thought would happen. With disappointment,
we often believe the outcome was out of our control (but we’re learning
more about how this is not always the case). With regret, we believe the
outcome was caused by our decisions or actions.
Frustration
Frustration sometimes overlaps with anger. Both anger and frustration can
result when a desired outcome is blocked. The main difference is that with frustration, we don’t think we can fix the situation, while with anger, we
feel there is something we can do.
Expectations
When we develop expectations, we paint a picture in our head of how things are going to be and how they’re going to look.
Discouragement
Feeling discouraged and resigned is about effort rather than outcome. With discouragement, we’re losing the motivation and confidence to continue with our efforts. With resignation, we’ve lost the motivation to keep trying.
Resignation
Feeling discouraged and resigned is about effort rather than outcome. With discouragement, we’re losing the motivation and confidence to continue with our efforts. With resignation, we’ve lost the motivation to keep trying.
PLACES WE GO
when it’s beyond us
Interest
Interest is a cognitive openness to engaging with a topic or experience.
Curiosity
Curiosity is recognizing a gap in our knowledge about something that interests us, and becoming emotionally and cognitively invested in closing that gap through exploration and learning. Curiosity often starts with interest and can range from mild curiosity to passionate investigation.
Confusion
“I need time for my confusion.” Confusion can be a cue that there’s
new territory to be explored or a fresh puzzle to be solved.
— ADAM GRANT, Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don’t
Know
Awe
“Wonder inspires the wish to understand; awe inspires the wish to let shine, to acknowledge and to unite.” When feeling awe, we tend to simply stand back and observe, “to provide a stage for the phenomenon to shine.”
– researchers Ulrich Weger and Johannes Wagemann
Wonder
“Wonder inspires the wish to understand; awe inspires the wish to let shine, to acknowledge and to unite.” When feeling awe, we tend to simply stand back and observe, “to provide a stage for the phenomenon to shine.”
– researchers Ulrich Weger and Johannes Wagemann
Surprise
It is an interruption caused by information that doesn’t fit with our current understanding or expectations. It causes us to reevaluate.
PLACES WE GO
when things aren’t what they seem
Amusement
The definition of amusement that aligns with our research is “pleasurable, relaxed excitation.”
Bittersweetness
Bittersweet is a mixed feeling of happiness and sadness.
Nostalgia
We define nostalgia as a yearning for the way things used to be in our often idealized and self-protective version of the past.
Cognitive dissonance
Cognitive dissonance is a state of tension that occurs when a person holds two cognitions (ideas, attitudes, beliefs, opinions) that are psychologically inconsistent with each other.
Paradox
A paradox is the appearance of contradiction between two related components.
Irony
Irony and sarcasm are forms of communication in which the literal meaning of the words is different, often opposite, from the intended message. In both irony and sarcasm, there may be an element of criticism and humor. However, sarcasm is a particular type of irony in which the underlying message is normally meant to ridicule, tease, or criticize.
Sarcasm
Irony and sarcasm are forms of communication in which the literal meaning of the words is different, often opposite, from the intended message. In both irony and sarcasm, there may be an element of criticism and humor. However, sarcasm is a particular type of irony in which the underlying message is normally meant to ridicule, tease, or criticize.
PLACES WE GO
when we’re hurting
Anguish
Anguish is an almost unbearable and traumatic swirl of shock, incredulity, grief, and powerlessness.
Hopelessness
Hopelessness arises out of a combination of negative life events and negative thought patterns, particularly self-blame and the perceived
inability to change our circumstances.
Despair
Despair is a sense of hopelessness about a person’s entire life and future. When extreme hopelessness seeps into all the corners of our lives and combines with extreme sadness, we feel despair.
Sadness
To be human is to know sadness. Owning our sadness is courageous and a necessary step in finding our way back to ourselves and each other.
Grief
Grief does not obey your plans, or your wishes. Grief will do whatever it wants to you, whenever it wants to. In that regard, Grief has a lot in common with Love. — ELIZABETH GILBERT
A central process in grieving is the attempt to reaffirm or reconstruct a world of meaning that has been challenged by loss.
PLACES WE GO
with others
Empathy
Empathy is a skill set that is one of the most powerful tools of compassion.
Compassion
Compassion is the daily practice of recognizing and accepting our shared humanity so that we treat ourselves and others with loving-kindness, and we take action in the face of suffering.
Comparative Suffering
When you practice empathy and compassion with someone, there is not less of these qualities to go around. There’s more. Love is the last thing we need to ration in this world. But fear and scarcity trigger comparison, and even pain and hurt are not immune to being assessed and ranked.
Pity
Pity involves four elements: a belief that the suffering person is inferior; a passive, self-focused reaction that does not include providing help; a desire to maintain emotional distance; and avoidance of sharing in the other person’s suffering.
Sympathy
Sympathy and pity are first cousins. They’re the emotions of: We feel bad for you. From way over here where the kind of misery you’re experiencing doesn’t happen.
Boundaries
Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.
– Prentis Hemphill
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when we fall short
Shame
Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.
Self-Compassion
According to Kristin Neff, self-compassion has three elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
Perfectionism
Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, work perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.
Guilt
Like shame, guilt is an emotion that we experience when we fall short of our own expectations or standards. However, with guilt, our focus is on having done something wrong and on doing something to set things right, like apologizing or changing a behavior.
Humiliation
humiliation as the intensely painful feeling that we’ve been unjustly degraded, ridiculed, or put down and that our identity has been demeaned or devalued.
Embarrassment
Embarrassment is a fleeting feeling of self-conscious discomfort in response to a minor incident that was witnessed by others.
PLACES WE GO
with others
Belonging
Belonging is a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are.
Connection
Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.
Disconnection
Disconnection is often equated with social rejection, social exclusion,
and/or social isolation, and these feelings of disconnection actually
share the same neural pathways with feelings of physical pain.
Invisibility
Invisibility is a function of disconnection and dehumanization, where an individual or group’s humanity and relevance are unacknowledged, ignored, and/or diminished in value or importance.
Fitting In
Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else.
Loneliness
At the heart of loneliness is the absence of meaningful social interaction—an intimate relationship, friendships, family gatherings, or even community or work group connections.
Insecurity
The opposite of personal insecurity is self-security, which the researchers Alice Huang and Howard Berenbaum define as “the open and nonjudgmental acceptance of one’s own weaknesses.”
PLACES WE GO
when the heart is open
Love
We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.
Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can be cultivated between two people only when it exists within each one of them—we can love others only as much as we love ourselves.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can survive these injuries only if they’re acknowledged, healed, and rare.
Lovelessness
Bell Hooks teaches that the injustice and systemic oppression that we see in the world today stem from a deep, collective lovelessness and calls for an ethic of love.
We need more love between us, but also among us. Not rainbow and unicorn love, or commercialized love. We need more real love. Gritty, dangerous, wild-eyed, justice-seeking love.
Self-Trust
Self-trust is normally the first casualty of failure or mistakes. We stop trusting ourselves when we hurt others, get hurt, feel shame, or question our worth.
Heartbreak
Heartbreak is more than just a painful type of disappointment or failure. It hurts in a different way because heartbreak is always connected to love and belonging.
Trust
In The Thin Book of Trust: An Essential Primer for Building Trust at Work, Charles Feltman defines trust as “choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions.”
Betrayal
Betrayal is so painful because, at its core, it is a violation of trust.
Defensiveness
At its core, defensiveness is a way to protect our ego and a fragile selfesteem.
Flooding
According to the Gottman Institute, flooding is “a sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed during conflict, making it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.”
Hurt
The definition of hurt from a team of researchers led by Anita Vangelisti goes a long way in explaining why acknowledging hurt is so difficult. They write, “Individuals who are hurt experience a combination of sadness at having been emotionally wounded and fear of being vulnerable to harm. When people feel hurt, they have appraised something that someone said or did as causing them
emotional pain.”
PLACES WE GO
life is good
Joy
Joy is an intense feeling of deep spiritual connection, pleasure, and appreciation.
Joy is sudden, unexpected, short-lasting, and high-intensity. It’s characterized by a connection with others, or with God, nature, or the universe. Joy expands our thinking and attention, and it fills us with a sense of freedom and abandon.
Happiness
The state of Happiness is feeling pleasure often related to the immediate environment or current circumstances.
Happiness is stable, longer-lasting, and normally the result of effort. It’s lower in intensity than joy, and more self-focused. With happiness, we feel a sense of being in control. Unlike joy, which is more internal, happiness seems more external and circumstantial.
Calm
I define calm as creating perspective and mindfulness while managing emotional reactivity.
Contentment
Contentment is the feeling of completeness, appreciation, and “enoughness” that we experience when our needs are satisfied.
Gratitude
Gratitude is an emotion that reflects our deep appreciation for what we value, what brings meaning to our lives, and what makes us feel connected to ourselves and others.
Foreboding Joy
If you’re afraid to lean into good news, wonderful moments, and joy—if you find yourself waiting for the other shoe to drop—you are not alone. It’s called “foreboding joy,” and most of us experience it.
Relief
Ira Roseman and Andreas Evdokas describe relief as “feelings of tension leaving the body and being able to breathe more easily, thoughts of the worst being over and being safe for the moment, resting, and wanting to get on to something else.”
Tranquility
“Tranquility is associated with the absence of demand” and “no pressure to do anything.”
PLACES WE GO
when we feel wronged
Anger
Anger is an emotion that we feel when something gets in the way of a desired outcome or when we believe there’s a violation of the way things should be.
Disgust
With contempt, we look down on the other person and we want to exclude or ignore them. With disgust, inferiority is not the issue, the feeling is more physical—we want to avoid being “poisoned” (either literally or figuratively).
According to emotions research pioneer Paul Ekman, disgust “arises as a feeling of aversion towards something offensive.
Dehumanization
Michelle Maiese defines dehumanization as “the psychological process of demonizing the enemy, making them seem less than human and hence not worthy of humane treatment.”
Contempt
Contempt, simply put, says, “I’m better than you. And you are lesser than me.”
Hate
According to researcher Robert Sternberg, hate is a combination of various negative emotions including repulsion, disgust, anger, fear, and contempt.
Self-righteousness
According to researchers, “Self-righteousness is the conviction that one’s beliefs and behaviors are the most correct.” It is important to realize that self-righteousness is different from righteousness. In the case of righteousness, we are appropriately reacting to a true injustice, we are trying to do the right thing.
PLACES WE GO
to self-assess
Pride
Pride is a feeling of pleasure or celebration related to our
accomplishments or efforts.
Humility
Humility is openness to new learning combined with a balanced and accurate assessment of our contributions, including our strengths, imperfections, and opportunities for growth.
Hubris
Hubris is an inflated sense of one’s own innate abilities that is tied more to the need for dominance than to actual accomplishments.
